Grind, mindset and sheer dumb luck: How I blundered my way into business school.

January 2020: 

The CAT scorecard flashed on my screen. 96.x percentile was the final score. Not great, but certainly not bad. For a guy who gave the exam just to complete his bingo book of floundering through engineering (at least once try and raise funding for an idea doomed from its inception, flunk one placement interview so bad you go underground for at least a week and spend a semester flirting with the idea of dropping everything for Civil Services are few more honorable mentions). But it planted a seed in my mind that perhaps I should come again later, with better preparation and more conviction of thought.

June 2021: 

I join work straight out of graduation. And it’s fun. Nice team, cool colleagues, and a very relaxed work environment. No real stress or anxiety of any kind as I begin to learn the nuances of IT. But at the back of my mind, a niggling thought was ever present- What next?

Like any self-respecting son of middle-aged Bengali parents, I knew I was expected to pursue a master's degree at the very least. But what in And why? Did I even want to get my master's degree done or was it just to please my folks back home?

December 2021: 

I was well into my role and better versed in its unique challenges. And two things became very apparent to me at that time.

1. Software engineers are the real backbones of growth as we navigate the world of the 21st century. With every passing decade, they will grow to become more valuable and influential and luck has dropped me into this opportune profession at its inflection point.
2. I did not want to be a software engineer. I had no natural talent for the role and would be an extremely mediocre one simply because I felt no internal drive to get better at it.

These 2 key epiphanies led me to have a very uncomfortable conversation with myself. I knew I needed a switch and couldn't continue down my current path. But switch to what?

I started by making a list of all the things about my present job I enjoyed and things I would change. Added to that are my interests and natural skills outside of work. Performed a critical analysis of all my flaws as well. The result was that I was far more confused than when I had started this whole damned process.

Then my mind went back to that old CAT scorecard from a year ago. As the old maxim goes, what do all confused engineers do when bored with their jobs: an MBA 

What others would call herd mentality and a lack of individualism I would christen trusting the wisdom of the masses. And thus began the grind to get an admission. But not just yet, maybe in a couple of months after I'm done procrastinating.

April 2022: 

Okay, now the grind has begun. A day after my annual increment cycle. Just a coincidence, nothing more. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Ah the lies we tell ourselves.

October 2022: 

Exams are a month away. I'm nervous, I'm anxious and I’ve built up an unnecessary mental wall. I’ve convinced myself that I am trapped in my current job and this one exam would define the next 30 years. One between a lavish life of growth and satisfaction and one being stuck in a dead-end job I truly hate. In retrospect none of that is remotely true, just me being over dramatic as I got into my head.

November 27, 2022 :

CAT exam day. 

At this point, I would like to say that I have not written about my entire preparation process and the challenges along the way. The simple reason behind that is that I don't want to. I find it tedious to write about and this is my blog, so yeah. You get what you get.

I had the morning slot which was already a bad start. I reached the exam center groggy and sleep deprived. Once the exam started I trudged along from one question to the next. The thoughts of unresolved Java code and a life of mediocrity beckoned with every question I skipped or couldn't solve right away. I had gotten into my head and was ruining my exam.

December 8, 2022: 

I checked my raw score. It was terrible. I had performed worse than any mock I had given in the past 4 months. I was getting no interview calls at this percentage and there was nothing else to be done. Spoke with my parents on the phone. They said to relax and not lose hope. XAT was still a month away. My roommate said I was stressing too much. I needed to just chill for a month and let it be. Their words gave me a sense of reassurance. Also, I was tired at this point and when faced with disappointment my feelings quickly evolved into indifference. It’s a childhood coping mechanism I need to see a therapist about. Eventually…

The rest of December was just one long party. I finally let loose after months of preparation and enjoyed myself. Went out, travelled, and made some choices I dare not write down on the off chance my parents ever decide to read my blog.

December 21, 2022: 

CAT results came out early that year. I checked my scorecard.

95.x percentile. Worse than my original attempt. My months of prep had done more harm than good it seems. I called my father to let him know. We both knew this score was not good enough for an admit but he still was kind enough to congratulate me. Words more empty than my prospects at the time.( See, still dramatic. It was almost like I had learned nothing).

January 8, 2023: 

XAT exam date. I was owning the nonchalant nihilist persona as a way of coping with the disappointment from a month past. It is over a month since I had touched my books so I knew my chances of conversion were slim at best. But it was still a Sunday and I had nothing planned. It was a more suitable afternoon slot. I remember being more relaxed on the drive to the exam center. I was meeting my much older cousin that evening. He was visiting his daughter who went to University in the city and was kind enough to take me out for dinner. Bitto the Dhaba has the best butter chicken but I want to try out Grand Trunk Road I thought to myself as I sat in front of the computer screen. The last bit of self-talk before I began the test was: It’s a three-and-a-half-hour long paper, at least try to have fun with it.

January 28, 2023: 

XAT results were out. The screen read 99. x. 

First came disbelief. Then amazement. And gradual euphoria. Again I called home. Again my father congratulated me with the same tone and sincerity from a month back. But to me, his words felt a little less hollow this time around. All right, time to prepare for the interviews.

March 12, 2023: 

Business management interview. I refuse to write one of those self-serving, masturbatory interview transcripts so I’ll spare you the details. It went well. I was done in 10 minutes and knew the panelists were convinced of the strength of my candidature.

March 13, 2023: 

Human resource management interview. Interesting interview. One of the panelists was probably an economics professor who chose to grill me on the nature of pricing models and surge pricing. I answered them as well as I could. Decent enough interview, the one a day before was better.

April 12, 2023: 

Email received.  Subject: Congratulations on getting selected for XLRI's BM JSR and HRM program!

I converted both calls. The first thought which ran through my mind was one of relief. The effort of almost a year had not gone to waste. I would not have to start all over again. I had made it through to a top business school.

I called home again. Once again my father congratulated me with the same calmness and composure. My mother was much freer with her emotions and was overjoyed.

So dear reader, what great lesson should you take from my experience? If it were up to me I would have you take nothing from it. All our experiences and abilities are different and it's best not to draw too many conclusions from the lives of others. 

What worked for me might not work for you and what hasn't worked for me might just be what you need to try out. Don't lead your life vicariously through others' experiences, certainly not that of a confused 24-year-old who has no idea what to do with his life.

But if you must insist on a takeaway let it be this:

It all works out eventually. Maybe just try stepping out of your comfort zone.

I should start packing for Jamshedpur. 

Cue G**nd me danda. The next 2 years should be fun.